Speed Dating! A High Value Woman’s Guide
Speed dating is great. For a reasonably small amount of money you can meet almost 20 single men in one night, having a meet and greet with all of them. I want to give you some tips about how to navigate this event in a high value, classy and elegant way, elevating your position so you’re way ahead of the competition. Here are my ten tips about how to operate on a higher level than the majority of the population.
Look as Good
(as you Possibly Can)
The first tip is to look as good as you possibly can. Don’t worry about looking too groomed or going overboard, this is an event to go over the top for. Go all out on your hair, make-up, nails, perfume, jewellery, outfit, high heels and handbag. Be extra! If you can afford it, then go to the salon to get your hair and nails done. If you can’t, then do the best job you can at home.
If you’re pale then dust some bronzer or fake tan on your body (unless you are going for the chic Dita von Teese look). If you are darker skinned then ensure you use body cream before you go out, to give your skin that glow.
Wear any other colour besides black as most of the other women will be wearing little black dresses if they’ve chosen to glam up at all. Often the other ladies will be in low effort jeans and T-shirts.
Wear high heels- as high as you can. You can wear flats until you’re around the corner from the venue then discreetly pop them on. For speed dating you’ll spend most of the venue sitting down anyway.
Any colour you like!
If the other ladies deem to get glammed up at all (many won’t) then they are most likely to be in a Little Black Dress.
You will stand out from the crowd by choosing any other colour you like. Any colour that suits you or you feel comfortable in.
Don’t worry about being too heavy for colour, if you feel that you are very overweight and colour doesn’t hide imperfections, remember the guy can see your size anyway.
The cut and fit of the outfit can be flattering and allow you to wear colour.
2. Arrive Early
As soon as you’ve checked in, head to the ladies where you can do last minute touch ups. First impressions count. Speed dates are usually 3 to 4 minutes. You’ve got 4 minutes with a guy. Regardless of what ‘ought’ to be true in society, the fact is looks matter. Much more than we care to admit, so don’t let all your preparations be for nothing.
I’ve had a client who went speed dating with a plastic shower cap over her hair when it was raining. She whipped it off just before entering the venue. That might sound too extreme for you, but that client was determined. She went to the hair salon for a beautiful blow dry and speed dating straight afterwards despite the rain. She is now happily married.
3. Handbag Essentials
If you live somewhere where it rains a lot or other weather conditions (humidity etc..) has an effect on your looks then get yourself small travel versions of your favourite products for last minute touch-ups. You could even get small refillable bottles to be environmentally conscious.
As a starting point I’d recommend bronzer or blusher (only one, not both to save on handbag space, bronzer if you’re pale, blusher if you are darker), mascara, eyeliner, lip gloss, hairspray, mini hairbrush, serum, a mini perfume and mints. This way if mother nature has other plans you can still salvage your make-up and hairstyle.
Handbag Essentials
Keep a small set of essentials with you for touch ups before speed dating, singles events and dates!
As a starting point I’d recommend:
1. Bronzer OR blusher (depending on your skin tone)
2. Eyeliner
3. Mascara
4. Lipgloss
5. Mini hairbrush
6. Hairspray
7. Hair serum
8. Mints
4. Don’t Order Alcohol
None! I’m not teetotal and I’m not trying to ruin your fun. You might argue that you want some ‘Dutch courage’. If you’re nervous, perhaps this is your first speed dating event, then I can see why you might think one drink is OK. It isn’t. You can meet your friends straight after the speed dating event and drink as much as you want, if you must. You can drink with your colleagues after work, with your family, with friends from your social clubs.
Dating and particularly speed dating is not the time to drink. Regardless of what everyone else around you is doing. Alcohol lowers your guard. It lessens your reserve. One drink never stays as one. It so often becomes two and then seven and then oblivion. Suddenly you might find yourself behaving in ways that will make you cringe later. You’ll have embarrassed yourself, even if you’ve only been a teeny bit tipsy rather than paralytic.
All that hard work of doing your hair and nails, getting yourself to the venue and selecting your outfit will have gone down the drain. You can’t be mysterious and drunk at the same time. I appreciate you might be thinking 1920s glam and flapper girls with Martinis in their hand. I’m not saying you can’t ever be classy with an alcoholic drink, but that is for a second date. Speed dating and first dates you are best served by only ordering soft drinks.
But.. I love ClassyCocktails!
Alcohol is great when enjoyed responsibly with your friends, work colleagues and your family.
Not with guys you’ve just met. I recommend a blanket no alcohol policy until the second real date. Then go easy on it.
For first dates and outings such as speed dating and singles parties it is best to stick with soft drinks.
If the place you’re in is upscale enough they can easily make you a mocktail if the regular soft drink choices are too boring for you.
5. Go Alone
It can be nerve wracking if you’ve never been speed dating before to enter the venue alone and have to walk up to the bar tender asking where the event is taking place. Often speed dating events will take place in the basement or attic meaning you have to walk through the pub of ‘normal’ people who are just dining and drinking. I’m not saying it is easy.
Yet this is one time it is harder for guys. Not only do they have to do all of this navigation through the bar too, but then it is their job to ask you out later. A gaggle of girls (or even mature women) is intimidating. Especially if they overhear you laughing and giggling about the men. That will send most men running to the hills. No one wants to be made fun of in a cruel way, even if you and your friends are only making these jokes to assuage your own nerves.
Even if you look super hot, you’re unlikely to get any matches. It’s just too much for most guys. They won’t approach you in the break either if you’re surrounded by all your friends. You already have friends. You’re not going speed dating to spend time with your friends (you can do that any other time). You’re going to hopefully meet a man. Consider if you did meet a man that you like, if you had gone with friends, that a guy you favour may prefer your friend over you. Ouch!
6. Allow the Guys to Talk
You could have the same conversation about yourself 20 times over in one night. Or you could play it smart. You could be an M15 agent for the night (a female version of James Bond but better looking) and gather information. Allow the guys to talk to see if they are someone you would want to see again. Talking less and allowing the man to talk gives you all the power.
7. Have Stock Answers
However don’t sit like a deaf mute. It’s a good idea to have a couple of stock answers ready for questions like ‘what’s your favourite book or film’. If a guy asks you what book or film you have seen recently you can answer with the same thing, it doesn’t really matter if you haven’t seen it recently provided you can talk about it. A good choice would be something that isn’t about romance, astrology or self-help. Romance and astrology makes the guy think you are too focussed on getting married in the future, adds too much pressure and can make the guy feel cornered. Self-help can come across as manipulative and that you might see him as a project who you can improve. No guy wants that!
My go to was always ‘Alone in Antarctica’ by Felicity Aston, about the first lady to travel across Antarctica on her own. It led on to conversations about travel, hiking and other sports. All great first date (even speed date) conversation topics. Pick something and think about the possible follow on chat from that. Books about money might make you seem like a gold-digger even if you are simply interested in finance so think about your choices carefully now, before you are put on the spot
Have a Favourite Book!
In this photo here I am posing with some of my favourite books. None of them make suitable first date or speed date conversation since all of them are related to self-help or romance!
Think about an appropriate book, TV show and film you could mention when asked.
Things related to travel, sports, hobbies and popular science are usually great choices. (Avoid politics and religion to start with, allow him to talk and let you know where on the spectrum he lies.)
8. Leave!
When the event is done, the organisers will encourage you to stay. They want to maintain goodwill with the venue, if everyone stays and buys more drinks then the speed dating company may be able to negotiate a discount on their room hire price. Their interests don’t align with yours. Once the event is finished, it is best for you to leave. Have other plans for after the event if it was on a Friday or Saturday. If you were out on a school night then go home to a relaxing bubble bath. Treat yourself to a movie or just get some beauty sleep.
This is why I’m so militant about my ‘no alcohol’ policy here. If you’ve had a drink then you’ll want to stay and enjoy the night, have fun with these great exciting new guys you’ve just met. I want you to think about the rest of your life rather than the rest of this night. It is so much easier to stick to your guns if you are 100% sober. Part of feminine mystique is well, being mysterious. Allow that guy you like to think, “Where has that beautiful woman gone? She’s left already.. oh, oh no. Let me ensure I match with her on the speed dating app”. Get out of there and the following day check your matches.
9. Keep Going
I don’t know anyone that met their Mr Right on their first foray into speed dating. Expect to give it a few tries. Keep on showing up. A fair chance would be to go speed dating once a month for about a year or longer. I hate to put numbers on things as that lends itself to robotic interpretation (Kate told me to go speed dating 12 times but I met a guy on my 14th outing, good job I didn’t listen to her) but I’m throwing out a number as people always ask me for them. I also wanted to give an indication of the time frame.
So many magazine articles are from women who went once (once?!) and then after writing about the token weirdos never went again. Please understand these articles are from journalists who are being asked to go speed dating. Their heart isn’t really in it. They are the type of lady who would be happy to get married if their perfect guy fell into their lap, but they aren’t prepared to put any work in. And that’s their prerogative, most of the time these women are quite happy with where they are in work and life. They aren’t seeking marriage and children. If they ever do seek this, then they won’t be reading their own blogs about speed dating, they’ll be looking to dating coaches like me.
Magazine Articles about Speed Dating
Remember the agenda of the person writing.
I’m writing about speed dating because I’m a love, dating and marriage coach. My business model is based on getting clients into happy marriages and then helping them enjoy married life.
A journalist often goes speed dating because her editor asked her to do it. She’s doing it just to write the article, to put some funny stories in, perhaps lament the fate of single 30 and 40 something women. She isn’t doing it with the intention of finding a man, falling in love and getting married.
So while the article might be hilarious or cringeworthy, don’t let it put you off going speed dating. At least speak with me first if you’re having doubts!
10. Token Weirdos
Yes, you’ll meet them. Every event will have at least one. But so what, in speed dating unlike any other event, you only have to listen to them for 4 minutes. If you feel something is off or you’re getting sinister vibes, then you can ask the organisers for help. Just excuse yourself, get up and speak with them. The organisers won’t want anyone making other customers feel uncomfortable.
Unlike Tinder and other dating apps, no guy is going to send you a dick pic. That’s a criminal offence in many countries and the perpetrator can go on the sex offender register if he attempted to do such a thing. In many ways you are much more protected from weirdos at speed dating events than you are when online dating. So don’t let the threat of 4 minutes listening to some oddball drone on put you off. You’ll have plenty of pleasant 4 minutes. Some might be incredibly pleasant indeed.
Meet the One
You can meet the one for you at speed dating.
You just have to give it a fair few tries.
Have you been speed dating before? Did any of these tips work for you? What were your experiences like? Please leave me a comment below.
If you’d like to discuss any aspect of levelling up or feminine energy with me then please schedule an appointment, subscribe to my newsletter and check out my book, Feminine Energy 101.