Instead of a Ring you got Ghosted
In my last blog “Happy Ever After” I received a lot of support from readers when I revealed some of the blaming and shaming from the LUFE (level up & feminine energy) community that I had faced when I admitted things weren’t perfect in my newlywed years. I really want to thank you all for the encouragement.
Today I want to go a step further and reveal something that isn’t personal to me, but makes up 50% of the reasons why women choose to consult with me. There’s a real phenomenon among feminine energy dating that relationships pootle along pretty successfully and then somewhere just on the cusp of engagement or proposal the relationship implodes at the eleventh hour. Sometimes literally at the eleventh month of dating! You might not be aware of this because women generally keep this private, since it is so painful and upsetting, but it’s an unfortunately common occurrence and the reason I haven’t had to maintain much of a presence on social media.
Many women come discover feminine energy dating strategies after being in toxic situations or being gaslit so often they no longer trust their own judgement. So they cling to the words in the book, follow them by the book. This becomes their entire identity and safety net. This rigidness they think, is going to protect them and other women from ever being taken advantage of again. So if a woman comes in to an internet forum and tells them, actually she did follow the book but it didn’t work, the guy left after eleven months of dating, that will upset their whole worldview.
If a relationship implodes at the 11th hour..
It can’t be the fault of the strategy, it must be the fault of the woman!
She must have done something wrong, she must have screened him improperly or perhaps she is lying. The reason this happens is that if the strategy was to be blamed then you’re asking all these women in the forums to give up their safety nets, their sanctuaries. It is too much.
Rather than blame either the strategy or the woman, I’d suggest the issue in question is following a strategy too blindly, not using any nuance or ‘common sense’. Always keep in mind when a woman has been gaslit for years she is very unlikely to have any common sense left, she doesn’t trust herself. It’s this woman who is the one most likely to follow something robotically. It isn’t her fault she is this way, she just needs empowering to trust herself. Which was the aim of my book, Feminine Energy 101. In this book I hope to give you the tools so that you can trust yourself enough to be able to throw all the dating strategy books away, including mine. You’ll know enough about dating and yourself and re-gain communication with your feminine intuition that you don’t need to follow any coaches or books, unless purely for entertainment.
Feminine Energy 101
I wrote this book for women to be able to empower themselves not to need any books or coaches again.
From years of coaching I understand why some women stick to strategies blindly, follow them robotically, even when to outsiders it seems ridiculous.
If you’ve been gaslit so often in a toxic relationship, then you probably don’t trust your own judgement any longer. It’s much easier, it seems ‘safer’ to just follow instructions laid out in a book.
While it seems like a failsafe thing to do, following anything blindly never ends well as I’ll show a few examples in this blog.
In this book, I give you the basics, the tools you’ll need to navigate dating in a high value, feminine way while tapping into your own intuition, interpretation of nuance and yes, re-gaining connection to your own common sense. My aim is that after a few months of working with this book, that you can throw all your dating books away (including mine) as you’ll no longer need them.
Feminine Energy 101 is available on all territories of Amazon and Payhip.
So lets talk about the issue that has kept me in business since becoming a coach back in 2018. Relationships going really well, the guy responding perfectly to feminine energy but just as things are about to take the next step, instead of being presented with a ring you get ghosted.
What’s happening here? Well in very early dating, say the first ten dates or so, it is great to be strict with the guys. In this initial period it works wonders if you disappear between dates, allow the guys time to ask you out in advance and never initiate anything. You really get the measure of a man and his level of interest for you.
Beyond the tenth date though, I don’t advise behaving this way. I certainly don’t recommend getting engaged or married while only ever seeing the man once or twice a week for a restaurant date.
I want to get Married Yesterday!
If your goal is to get engaged and then married FAST- then be as strict as you like. The stricter you are, the faster both of these things will happen. Yes, these strategies DO work and your demeanour will drive the man crazy, offering up a ring as soon as he possibly can. So why an earth would I advise that you aren’t strict after the tenth date? Everyone wants to get engaged and married fast, right?
Beware that you’re more likely to get divorced faster as well. I’m sorry to say 50% of my clients are victims of this strategy. If you only ever see the guy once a week (or perhaps twice) and meet on a Saturday night when you are both relaxed, free from life stress, he’s going to see you as his fairy tale princess and idolise you as such. To go from only ever seeing you looking your best and only ever seeing you in your happiest moods to reality is going to hit him with a bump!
Fairytale Princess or
Annoying Human Woman?
It’s easy to be a princess if you only ever see the guy once or twice a week for a Saturday night dinner date.
Glammed up, looking your best, feeling your best, relaxed from life stress.
No one can keep up an act 24/7, meaning after marriage your husband will see the ‘less than perfect’ aspects to you.
Did he fall in love with you?
Or a fantasy version of you?
He is now living with an imperfect human woman with annoying habits and faults (all of us annoy others with one thing or another.) No one can keep up an act 24/7. Has he really fallen in love with YOU or just his fantasy version of you? Sadly for many of my clients it was the latter.
Being Undemanding
Consider also how undemanding feminine energy women are to their men. Sure, if the man doesn’t ask far enough in advance for a date then he isn’t going to see her that week but beyond that, feminine energy ladies make no requests. This is great for early dating, but after date ten it just adds to the fantasy that here is an undemanding, beautiful and mysterious woman who will never ask him for anything. Then you get married quickly as the man is so enamoured with this fantasy of a smooth and easy life!
Or he vanishes after taking up eleven months of your life because he’s not ready to get married and didn’t realise you wanted a serious relationship, as you’ve never requested anything from him.
Know his Character
Being undemanding and easy going for the first ten dates is wonderful, it gives you all the power and leaves the guys hungry for more. You will get married quickly if you behave like this throughout your courtship. However, bear in mind you won’t really know the man’s character at all.
After Date Ten
After the tenth date I encourage you to test your man a bit. Just before I explain how to do this I just want to reassure you that if he breaks up with you because of this, then this is a man who was going to implode at the eleventh month of dating anyway. He was always going to disappear when things started to get serious, or worse, divorce you after a few months of marriage. Far better to only date him briefly than for eleven months (or to get married and divorced in quick succession.)
How to Test Your Man?
This all relates to whether he is willing to do what you want him to. No two women are the same and while there are some general standards for early dating that I outlined in this post “Feminine Energy Dating in a Nutshell”, they become much more specific once a relationship gets to the serious but pre-commitment stage.
You won’t want my Mr Right and I won’t want yours. Your desires and needs are unique. What do you want from your future husband and relationship? When you visualise, what do you want your romantic life to look like? Once you know what your desires truly are then test it out. A great way to help you do this is to take the test ‘The Five Love Languages’ and read the book of the same name by Gary Chapman.
Essentially Chapman says there are five love languages, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time and receiving gifts. All of us can ‘speak’ all five languages but we have a favourite that we prefer and it is this one that makes us feel most valued.
Years into the Future
I want you to be happily married to a guy that adores you, FOR LIFE!
Years and years into the future.
This is me and my husband after getting through a stressful phase of life, completing on our first rental property, starting on building a business and path to wealth together.
If you want those things too, I want to help you get there!
My primary love language is acts of service. I wanted a husband who wouldn’t just ‘write a cheque’ but who would actually get stuck in and DO things to help me.
According to some dating philosophies out there, I should never ask the guy I’m dating for any help and rely on others instead. I agree with this in early dating. Beyond the tenth date, what is the point of dating a guy if he isn’t going to help you, if you’ve managed to land yourself an intelligent and skilled guy but can’t utilise any of his expertise to improve your life?! What message does this send? That you’re independent and won’t hassle him to fix things after marriage?
Perhaps your love language will turn out to be physical touch or quality time, there are feminine ways to test “whether you are going to get what you want and need from your guy. A starting point is to praise when he does what you like (even if its only a miniscule effort), the more you praise the more you’ll get and it will get better and better. Also express how much you love X thing, avoiding a nagging tone. Just put it out there into the universe ‘I love X’ and see what he does with it.
Some suggestions:
Delay exclusivity for as long as you can (six months of dating or longer)
Don’t have sexual intimacy without exclusivity
Be wary of ‘shut up’ rings (see my e-book about sex, available for free and immediate download here)
There are a few other suggestions I recommend you do before accepting an engagement ring, to give yourself the best fighting chance of being married years and years into the future. To see what they are, watch my video.
If you’d like to discuss any aspect of levelling up or feminine energy with me then please schedule an appointment, subscribe to my newsletter and check out my book Feminine Energy 101.
This blog is an edited excerpt from the chapter “Relationships Imploding at the 11th Hour” from my book, Feminine Energy 101.