He's Not Ready

Why Timing Matters

Sometimes you can feel as though you’re in a perfect relationship. Things are going swimmingly, you’re having great times together and he treats you so well. Then one day, out of nowhere, he just ends it. No forewarning. No signal this was going to happen. It’s just done.

I want to help you understand what could have been going on. The relationship was dreamy, he was wonderful and you can’t get to grips why it’s suddenly come to an abrupt end.

Timing

Guys can break off a relationship and not fully realise why they are doing it. In western cultures serious relationships in one’s twenties are rare. Not that they don’t happen, but that they are the exception. More likely, friends that you have in long term relationships that started when they were in their 20s got together through some shared interests or mutual admiration, then stayed together out of convenience. It isn’t usual to have the determined choice of selecting someone, then making the decision to get married. It’s more likely to have the gradual slide to cohabitation.

One’s twenties and thirties, especially for guys but increasingly for women too, are seen as the time for finishing studies, getting that masters or phD, building a business, having a gap year (or a few gap years), and travel interspersed with lots of parties, fun and friends. Men in this phase of their life may choose to be on dating apps. Some will just be looking for straight up sexual encounters. They are the easiest to screen out since they are so upfront. More dangerous are the guys looking for entertainment and excitement. Of course they are seeking sex too, but that isn’t all they want, nor all they give. You can have the best months of your life with one of these guys, a fun filled romance with plenty of adventure and thrills before it just ends abruptly.

You feel you were getting along so great, you were having so much fun together and there were still so many stones left unturned, you felt there were so many more things you needed to do together but now it’s all ended. It’s just over and you wish it wasn’t.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

There’s nothing wrong with the chemistry or compatibility you had with this guy.

Indeed, while there are things you can do to limit the potential for heart break, when a guy is in this phase of his life won’t even be fully conscious of the decisions he makes, there’s just a desire to break away and be free.

Fun & Adventure

Guys in the fun, adventure phase of life seek spontaneity, thrills and excitement. They want a wing partner, but it is immaterial who that partner is.  

They aren’t usually seeking a ‘forever’ commitment.

This is usual for one’s 20s & 30s but increasingly common for some guys well into their 40s & 50s as well. Meaning age isn’t the protective factor you might think it is.

Years Later

It isn’t uncommon to hear such guys talk years later about ‘letting this woman get away’ and how they behaved as an idiot. They aren’t remembering events properly, forgetting that they are the ones who instigated the break up. The woman is shattered, her heart is in pieces but after time for healing (up to two years) she moves on. She meets someone else. She meets someone who is in the right space for a fully committed relationship. She gets married. It could be a decade or more when this guy reappears, trying to find some way to instigate contact.

He’ll apologise profusely, claim what an idiot he was back then, that he didn’t realise a good thing until it’s gone and so on. Yet what he fails to understand is back at this time in his life, he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship. He probably wasn’t even conscious of it but he didn’t want to be held back. At this point in his life, no matter how strong the connection he needed to be free, to pursue things. In fact the stronger the bond between you two, the greater the urgency he will feel to break things off.

Should you wait for him to finish this phase?

Absolutely not. There’s no way to know how long this phase of his life will last. Guys have no biological clock, so they can spend decades as a Peter Pan, travelling, working and partying. They might not feel the emptiness sometimes associated with single people. Some men might never feel this, ever.

What if he isn’t Travelling, Studying or Building a Business?

There doesn’t need to be something tangible going on for a man to be in this phase of his life. It is easier to compartmentalise if he’s studying for a masters or travelling, then assume once he’s finished and back home that he’ll be ready for a real relationship. Yet he might not be. This phase of life is when things that require focused attention are most likely to happen, but you can just as easily find a man in this phase of life who doesn’t appear to be doing anything productive at all. He could just be coasting along, enjoying his life. Enjoying your company but not wanting ‘a forever’ commitment.

I’m dating a guy – I suspect he’s in this phase. Should I dump him?

No. I wouldn’t suggest anything so dramatic as to stop seeing him, but I certainly wouldn’t recommend exclusivity. If you’re already exclusive then I would consider re-visiting this point and discussing it with him. Dating others is the single most protective thing you can do to minimise the risk of heartbreak. No sexual intimacy with anyone you’re not exclusive with.

My boyfriend wants me to take a Gap Year with him, should I go?

It’s one of my regrets, that I never went travelling with a boyfriend in this stage of my life. I really admire couples who take a year off and go around the globe together, visiting all the continents. I travelled, but alone at times and with friends at other times. Not for a full continuous year though! If you are in a position to (say you are in your 20s / 30s yourself and not established yet) and if you want to do this, then I say a firm, definite yes.

Go and have the best days of your life, live and enjoy. Keep in mind this relationship may not last when you return, but even as a dating coach, I don’t see that as a reason not to do it. You’ll gain so much from travel, learn so much about yourself and you never know, you and your boyfriend could beat the odds!

Gap Yah with a BF?

I differ from other ‘conservative’ dating coaches in that my advice about gap years with boyfriends is to GO!

While it is true that the relationship may not last and you might break up while away (travelling puts stress on fragile partnerships) but you’ll learn so much about yourself. You’ll enrich your understanding of other people, you’ll see some amazing things. You’ll deepen your resourcefulness and capability to handle anything.

Honestly this is one time when the risk of heartbreak is worth it. If you have the opportunity, inclination and possibility to go- then do not let anyone hold you back!

It could be anyone in the photo, it is actually me swimming between the tectonic plates in Iceland.

I know many dating coaches especially those who are more conservative, say that the first holiday together should be your honeymoon. If you’re settled and established in life, then that’s good advice. If you’re in the position to be able to go on a gap year, then sticking to this may mean you miss out on one of the best experiences of your life.

If you don’t want to have sex before marriage you can honour this too. Backpacking in hostels means you’d get very little privacy anyway. If you don’t trust your boyfriend to respect your wishes while travelling, please re-examine why you are still dating him.

The other counter argument from dating coaches telling you not to go away with your boyfriend, is that you can go and travel with your husband when you’re married. While I hope to do this one day, by the time you get married you usually have financial commitments, childcare and other constraints that mean taking off for a full year (or even vacations longer than a month) isn’t possible. Wait until retirement and you may not have the health to do it. In all cases this advice not to go, comes from people who haven’t travelled extensively themselves so they don’t realise the full value in it. If you’re able to do it and you want to do it, then do it before that choice is taken away from you. Dating, boyfriends, marriage -> it will all still be here for you when you get back.

I want to keep seeing him, how can I minimise the risk of heartbreak?

Other than dating others, the other thing you can do for your safety is to completely avoid agreeing to any last minute date requests from this guy. Guys in the fun, adventure phase of life seek spontaneity, thrills and excitement. They want a wing partner, but it is immaterial who that partner is.  

You deserve to spend time with someone who doesn’t want an adventure with just anybody, but somebody who prefers you and seeks you out above all others. Ensure you only agree to dates / meetings with 2 or 3 days notice.

I’m heartbroken.

Awww I’m so sorry, the anguish is real and painful. Take a couple of days (not weeks) to heal, then get yourself back out the door. Hair and nail salon! Take comfort in the fact he is going to reappear, most likely when you’re engaged to somebody else. He’ll come back into your life, hoping for the same warm regard that you feel for him now. You, a few years from now, the you in the future, will say “who?!”

With Love & Light,
Kate

If you’d like to discuss any aspect of levelling up or feminine energy with me then please schedule an appointment, subscribe to my newsletter and check out my book Feminine Energy 101.