What if you’ve done everything perfectly, but you’re not living “happily ever after”?

I almost, almost got into a bit of Facebook drama the other day. You see a woman popped up from my past giving the same damaging advice she gave to me a few years ago. In my case the advice was terrible. I was desperately unhappy and doing what she suggested led me to plunge further into the depths of despair. I had recently got married and things weren’t going well. Despite all the images we receive newlywed years are often far from blissful. The stakes are so much larger once you’ve taken that step to get married.

The strategies you have in your arsenal for dealing with bad behaviour from a guy in dating (pulling back, acting nonchalant, dating others, being pre-occupied with other things) either don’t work or are very hard to employ once you are married. There’s also a tendency to blame the woman in these communities, it was my fault because I didn’t screen him enough, I didn’t follow the dating strategy properly or I had chosen the wrong person to marry.

Picture of Kate Knight's actual wedding day. Ownership to Kate Knight. Do not copy, save or reproduce this image without permission. Kate is in a pink wedding dress and has a pink veil on. — It worked in dating!

“If a guy responds perfectly to feminine energy when dating, then he must behave the same way when married”. This just isn’t true.

It must have been my fault!
#I didn’t screen him enough,
#I didn’t follow the dating strategy properly or
#I had chosen the wrong person to marry.

“If a guy responds perfectly to feminine energy when dating, then he must behave the same way when married”. This just isn’t true. Given the shaming involved very few married ladies in the LUFE world ever admit to any marital distress, at least not publicly.

Follow the dating strategy to the letter and you’ll have a wonderful marriage, that’s the party line. If you’re in a less than ideal marriage, many will believe you just didn’t do the strategy properly or you’re lying about how gentlemanly he was when dating for him now to turn into a rogue!

So when this lady popped up again, giving the same terrible advice she had trotted out a few years ago to me, now to someone else, facing a similar predicament, I felt disbelief seeing her words. Back then, just as with now she had absolute certainty that she was right, her advice was the right course of action and the only steps to be followed to improve things (despite concrete evidence to the contrary).

This is personal to me.

This advice was harmful to me.

I suffered because of this advice.

The least I can do is save others from going through the same thing.

I’m going to run you through some common newlywed issues, how I recommend you handle them and then I’ll discredit the terrible advice.

The Issue

Marriages are never perfect, regardless of how perfectly you’ve followed a particular dating strategy, manifested your dream guy, meditated, prayed for it and so on. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do because your husband and you are both imperfect human beings. There are going to be glitches. There’s nothing wrong with you or your husband, this is normal!

There’s a tendency among dating books to paint this picture of your wonderful dreamy life after you get married and for the most part this is true. These days, I much prefer being married to being single, but it wasn’t always this way.

Being easy going is wonderful when dating, but when married it often leads to being taken for granted. If you never assert your preferences or never get upset over anything then your husband will assume that these things are not that important to you, that you just don’t mind. If this sounds extreme to you and you think “for goodness sake why don’t women use their common sense and just stand up for themselves”, well I promise you there are entire communities of women behaving this way, thinking that they should just ‘go with the flow’ when married. I was one of them.

What to Do

I’m not advising you start fights for the sake of it, nor that you aim to win every single disagreement. Remember the saying ‘pick your battles’. That does mean you pick some. I’m not saying be argumentative all the time either. Think of the things that really, really matter to you. You can have a few things. Maybe it’s the colour of your front door, your next vacation destination or what type of pet you want to adopt. If applied correctly, feminine energy in marriage means that your husband is going to want to please you. If there is a reward of a happy, nurturing and beautiful wife at her best then suddenly he’s not so bothered about the front door colour after all. You can choose it. He’ll even buy you the supplies and paint it himself. You might need to use anger or throw a fit to get to this point. Shock, horror! I’m advising you to get cross with him and go out for the day, away from him. No nagging, no constant wheedling. A short sharp shock- a direct confrontation and then exiting the situation.

Make him work to win you again

#If applied correctly, feminine energy in marriage means that your husband is going to want to please you.

#Being laid back and easy going all the time when married **won’t** get you what you need from him

#Sometimes you NEED to upset the apple cart a little bit

#A man in love, a man devoted to you, will be shocked by this **rare** display of upset and will work to earn your favour back.

Fear not, when I was doing the research for my book, Feminine Energy 101, I found that the single biggest predictor of divorce, is a lack of arguments. It is very unhealthy to never argue. I’m not talking about full on blazing rows every day, but upsetting the apple cart every now and then is a good and healthy thing. It only becomes a problem if you never listen to his wishes and never let him have his way with anything, ever.

A man in love, a man devoted to you, will be shocked by this rare display of upset and will work to earn your favour back.

Then once he has made steps, even if they are only baby steps towards you, reward him gratuitously. Go overboard in your affections, be kind, affectionate, sweet. He hasn’t earned this level of reward yet, but if you give it to him ‘on credit’ you will get more of the behaviour you want. Gradually he will do more and more of whatever it is you need him to do. Praise by itself though, rarely works especially if you were ‘go with the flow’ when dating. You will need to wake him up a bit.

Communication after Marriage

When dating, being coy and mysterious mesmerises the men into a state of wonderment about you. It is such a powerful strategy, driving the men crazy and eager to spend more time with you. Continue this act after marriage and all you’ll get are disappointing gifts and a lack lustre partnership. You’ll be so mysterious your husband will barely know you. While intoxicating during dating, not really knowing your wife is frustrating for a man after marriage. The stakes have changed. Now you’re supposedly a team. You need to express your wants, wishes, wills and desires with your team mate clearly and explicitly. I mean explicit in the sense of being forthright and open, not in the sense of any bad language.

This is the polar opposite of what I would advise you do when dating. When dating, the guessing game works wonders and the guy figures it out and comes to you (usually with a ring). This just does not work in marriage. The guy has already got you, you’re his wife. There is no reason for him to spend weeks figuring out your games. Indeed, he’s probably going to be irritated by them rather than captivated.

A couple sitting watching the sunset, communicating after marriage. — Life After Marriage is Different

Being mysterious is intoxicating to a guy when you are dating. When you are married, it is just irritating.

Unless you’re prepared to tolerate your lot in life and never getting what you want from your marriage, which will one day engulf you with bitterness, then you need to communicate differently once you’ve tied the knot.

Now you’re a team. Your husband hasn’t got time to figure you out any longer, you live together. BUT he does want to make you happy. So you need to tell him, **clearly** & quickly (possibly concisely too) what you need from him.

It is in your interest to address the things that bother you sooner, rather than later. If you nip things in the bud rather than let them fester, then you are more likely to be able to discuss them calmly without getting emotional, although showing your displeasure works fine too. Purely for your own mental health and peace, I suggest you sort things sooner as it is unpleasant to carry around bad feelings for any length of time.

I Rowed all the time in my First Marriage”

If you were married before and were fighting a lot I can see why you would be hesitant to take this route. Don’t be afraid. A healthy marriage includes arguments. A Stepford wife marriage doesn’t. The difference between the rows now and those of your past is that this time you have married a man who is crazy about you. You are just teaching him how you want to be loved. You will reward him for any efforts he makes, no matter how tiny. The reward makes all the difference. Many women not understanding men will pick fault with the guy’s initial attempts, which will lead him to do less and less or become passive aggressive, deliberately doing things poorly. It is a great shame because if the woman knew to shower him with love and affection then his meagre, tiny offerings will get bigger and better and more accurate, more tailored to her preferences.

Reward

How to reward a man for his efforts? Know his love language (from Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages) or speak all five. Show physical affection, speak kind words of endearment, make time for him, listen to him, boost his ego, be that soft place to land. Controversial but keeping yourself in the best physical shape is a reward to him as well. Even if you are overweight, you can still make effort with your hair and make-up. You can choose outfits that flatter your figure instead of make you look frumpy.

I’m Afraid he’ll Leave Me

Keep in mind that divorces are initiated largely by women. Even adulterous men don’t ask for a divorce, even though they tell their mistress they will, one day. Once a man has committed to a woman, even if he cheats on her, it is very rare that he will leave. It is the woman who finally, exasperated after the final straw, calls it a day.

So instead of asking yourself how can you ensure your husband never leaves you, it is better to pose the question how can you ensure you never want to leave him in the future? I hope this blog has given you some answers of how you can grow together and nurture your relationship, so that it is happy for both of you.

The Terrible Advice?

Put up and shut up. Be happy. This is it. Be grateful you have a man. Those things you’re agonising over are not important. Don’t assert your preferences, he’ll leave you. Let him win (every battle). Don’t ever row with him, he’ll look for someone else. He’s your husband so it’s OK to be a doormat now. Give him the money he asks for. It doesn’t matter if he takes you for granted, go and do more aerobics, see your friends more often. Don’t feel neglected. If you are demanding, he’ll be dissatisfied with you. His feelings are more important. Have a fulfilling life outside your marriage. Take your mind away from how empty your own marriage is. How bleak your life feels.

Yet when I ignored this desolate plan, when I was desperately searching for alternatives that I outlined here, my husband became the man I needed him to be. He was a chivalrous gentleman when dating, but when married, a totally different person. He was never evil, never a dusty or a dirt-bag, just living proof that marriage changes people. You don’t need to put up with this, you don’t need to accept your lot in life, lest he leaves you for another. That is a misunderstanding of the power of feminine energy. If you follow the guidance I’ve given here, you can have a truly happy marriage and turn a complacent husband into one who dotes on you, cherishes you and ensures your happiness above his own. Even if he seems indifferent now.

With Love & Light,
Kate

Please note: This is a topic that is so personal to me, since I suffered so much through this phase of my life. Not only did I suffer, I was blamed and shamed so much for my unhappy marriage. Genuine help was hard to come by, many things I did made the situation worse and plunged me deeper and deeper into depression. I really do not want other women to suffer as I did, I am so passionate about this, so please share this post far and wide.

The fact that such terrible advice is still being given (and given as gospel truth) is the main reason I became a dating coach, to offer hope and a beacon of light to those in distress. When everyone else is telling you to ‘put up and shut up’ or to just ‘accept your lot’, then remember me, I can help you.

If you’d like to discuss any aspect of levelling up or feminine energy with me then please schedule an appointment, subscribe to my newsletter and check out my book Feminine Energy 101.

Happy Ever After