Why Do Women Reject Femininity?

Back when women were oppressed, say only about 100 years ago (in western countries), when they didn’t have the vote, no rights to own property, no right to have a bank account in their own sole name, no control over their destiny at all really, then women had to rely on their femininity to get by. They had no choice but to be agreeable, look presentable and use their ‘feminine wiles’ to literally survive.

No wonder then, that some women totally reject femininity, now that they have the freedom to study whatever they choose, take whichever career path and start businesses all on their own. Yet this freedom wasn’t given freely, nor without conditions.

I couldn’t believe it when I read women could not take out a business loan in the USA without a male co-signer aged 16 or over until 1983. I was sure I was reading this wrong and they must have meant 1883. Nope, the 1980s. Less than 40 years ago, the super-power country of our era didn’t allow women to take out a business loan without the permission of a male, a 16 year old kid would suffice, provided he was the right gender.

You may have zero interest in running your own company or ever taking out a business loan but I imagine you’d still feel slighted that it was assumed you couldn’t be trusted with such a responsibility because of your sex. I mean I felt aggrieved just reading it, so I totally understand where the rejection of femininity comes from, when women have been so severely patronised.

Women’s Suffrage

Women didn’t get the vote under the same conditions as men until 1928 (in England) that’s less than 100 years ago.

We take it for granted as it’s always been there in our lifetimes - but life in this country without the vote for women would be very, very different.

This is regardless of whether you choose to exercise this right or not. Even if you decide not to vote, the very fact you have this right changes the shape of the country.

At least now politicians have to ‘pretend’ to care about women’s issues and they are on the agenda.

However, I advocate not throwing out the baby with the bath water. It wasn’t femininity itself that caused these problems. I can understand how being forced to act feminine really aggravated some women. Being forced into a box, having to pretend to be someone you’re not and having very limited choices in life drove some women to completely the other side of the pendulum, embracing their emancipation and indulging in all the behaviours previously only permitted to men.

Now, I would like you to ask yourself if the new found freedoms (they are relatively new, being roughly 100 years old) actually serve to improve your life or not. Having the right to vote certainly does, whether or not you personally choose to exercise it.

By women having the right to vote politicians have to at least pretend to care about women’s issues and there are now several female politicians. Things like routine mammograms, maternity leave and subsidised childcare, I doubt these would be so widespread if not for women having the vote, pushing these items to the top of the political agenda.

Being allowed to have a bank account in your own sole name, that certainly improves the quality of your life when used properly. You can save money, invest it and you don’t have to tell anyone. Not needing the permission of your father or husband is protective for those women who find themselves in abusive or toxic homes, or those who are susceptible to emotional blackmail. Property rights, the opportunity to study any subject at university, the option to apply for any career all of these things can improve your life.

Newfound Freedoms

The rights fought for you by your foremothers, most of these rights and freedoms if used appropriately will improve your life immensely than if you didn’t have such rights.

You might take the following list below for granted but women have had these rights for less than 100 years and they were all sorely fought for, with many objections.

These rights are so commonplace now it’s hard to believe the women that fought for them (for us) were ridiculed and mocked.

+The right to vote
+The right to have a bank account in your own, sole name +The right to study anything at university if entrance requirements are met
+The right to embark on any career path
+The right to earn money, save, invest and spend at will
+The right to own property
+The right for an adult female, with capacity, not to need her father/husband’s permission for anything

What about other Freedoms?

Having sex with loads of guys because you feel like it and “guys can do it so why can’t you”, this doesn’t improve your life. It puts you at risk of STIs, unplanned pregnancies and total, crippling heartbreak. It is such an important topic that I wrote a small ebook about it, available for free here.

It isn’t a great choice for guys either to just ‘put it about a bit’. Having children outside of marriage, with more than one woman means a man is never going to be wealthy unless he is already. I am aware that in places like the US a man could give up his custodial rights to avoid paying child support. It doesn’t work like that in the UK.

Regardless of whether the man has any contact with his children or not, if he wants to have a relationship with them or not, he’s paying the fees or he is going to prison. It’s even worse for the single mum, a life of struggle, poverty and long hours. It’s a sad state of reality, but is completely preventable. It is an unfair double standard, but women have to carry the burden of poor choices and this reality is far more unfair.

Struggle, Poverty, Long Hours

It didn’t need to happen.

If you go against the norm.

If you don’t have sex with just anyone, even your boyfriend (unless he’s gainfully employed and will support you 100% if you were to get pregnant)

Stay healthy (not in your full control, but things you can do to help)

Study, work, learn about money and save it up

You never need to die a pauper

Since it is you that will be taking the responsibility, it is down to you to use this freedom wisely.

It is a poor choice to have sex with anyone whom you are not in a committed, exclusive, monogamous relationship (ideally marriage).

Being Aggressive

It might surprise you to learn that I do believe there’s a time and a place for this. Even for a feminine woman. If her children or pets were in danger then I believe she is justified using whatever means necessary to protect them. That may include but not be limited to aggression.

The Work Place

In the work place, beyond the femininity of looking presentable, masculine energy is what you’ll need to lean into to get things done. Women in the workplace is beyond the scope of this post but in a nutshell, women are misrepresented by unfair stereotypes and double standards here too. If a man has a bad attitude at work he’s more likely to be branded a go getter. A woman with the exact same attitude… a great big B***H!

While sometimes having a ‘feminine attitude’ will take you far at work, at times you’ll have to navigate motivating team members and having unpleasant conversations which can’t be feminine (not without seeming passive aggressive and making the problem worse).

Sometimes direct, masculine energy will serve you better, even as a woman embracing your femininity.

Femininity in the Workplace?

Looking presentable - yes

-Being too agreeable means others might see this an invitation to walk all over you
-Being too passive means you might lack the initiative and drive to get things done
-Attempting to sugar coat unpleasant conversations will likely just annoy colleagues / subordinates and distort your message

It is a difficult balancing act for the career woman. If you aren’t sure which to veer to, in the workplace “healthy” masculine energy generally serves you better.

The classic text for navigating the workplace is Nice Girls Still Don’t Get the Corner Office by Dr Lois Frankel. The only thing I disagree with her is about cutting your hair. Short hair might look more professional, but it rarely looks as good. Learn some quick up-dos so that you look more corporate at work but don’t sacrifice your locks.

Femininity isn’t incompatible with all these newfound rights fought for by feminists.

I argue you are selective which freedoms you choose to exercise. Remember just because a man has had the freedom to do these things for longer than you doesn’t mean that it is a good idea for him either. No need to reject feminism or femininity as a whole. The fact that I can have a platform and that anyone would listen to me at all (as a ‘mere silly woman’) is from the rights fought for me and for all of us, by our foremothers.

(If you think I’m exaggerating then cast your mind back to some of the historical authors you know of. They were published posthumously or used a male pen name. George Eliot was the pseudonym of Mary Ann Evans. No one would read a book written by a woman!)

With Love & Light,
Kate

If you’d like to discuss any aspect of levelling up or feminine energy with me then please schedule an appointment, subscribe to my newsletter and check out my book Feminine Energy 101.