High Quality Date Requests Online
Repel
Players, Jokers, Time-Wasters & Creeps
There’s a mistaken belief among people who have never engaged in online dating that if you behave in a classy and elegant way yourself, if you have appropriate photos and you aren’t rude or unkind to anyone that dodgy guys will be instantly repelled, meaning you’ll only messaged by decent, respectful guys offering you high quality date requests. There’s a lot of law of attraction assumptions mixed in with this, that you attract what you put out there and ‘what you think about you bring about’
HA!
If you’ve used Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Match, Zoosk, in-fact any dating site in the last ten years then you’ll be laughing along with me at how ridiculous these assertions are.
It largely doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, when you use any dating website or dating app, guys who otherwise wouldn’t have access to you are now able to contact you. Sometimes they message filth.
The block button is your friend!
Tinder
Can a classy, elegant lady use Tinder?
Many will tell you not to use Tinder if you are seeking a ‘real relationship’ and that Tinder is just for hook-ups.
Many of the people telling you this:
- Have never used a dating website themselves (the long form email type of site back in the day)
- Got married before smartphones & dating apps were a thing
- Don’t know how dating sites / apps work and how they differ from each other
- Don’t realise there are people cruising for sex on all apps, Tinder isn’t some grubby app, it is just a tool
Tinder gets a bad rap for being a ‘hook-up’ app but I haven’t witnessed it be any better or worse than any of the other sites. You get people cruising for sex (male and female) on all sites and you get people seeking a real relationship on all sites. Yes, even Tinder. I’ve been to a few Tinder weddings in the last few years, where there was a proper courtship and romance leading up to the proposal then marriage. I’ve seen a few dating coaches advise clients not to use Tinder (again, this is advice from people who have never even used a dating website, yet they consider themselves qualified to talk about this next generation of dating apps). Tinder is just a tool. It is how you use it that matters. Given that in many areas it is the most widely used, if you are going to do online dating, it is foolish to cut out Tinder.
So, while you can’t prevent idiots from messaging you online (sorry) there are some things you can do to make online dating slightly more bearable, perhaps even pleasant!
Tips for Online Dating
1. Don’t have any swimwear or underwear photos visible on your dating app profiles. Go through all your social media, Instagram is particularly notorious for this! Set any pictures of you in a bikini to private. Even doing this though, guys who send crude and vulgar messages tend to send it to anyone, regardless of how you present yourself. It isn’t your fault if a dodgy guy sends you something disgusting. Report, block, delete.
Keeping swimwear/underwear shots private is more so that a serious guy is likely to view you as someone who is also seeking a relationship rather than a fling. It also sets a precedent, if he wants to see you in a bikini then he’s going to have to earn it, in the form of a proper courtship leading to an eventual honeymoon. He can see you in swimwear then all the time!
No Swimwear or underwear shots!
Go through your entire online footprint (Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp profile pic, dating profiles etc..) and make sure any swimwear & underwear photos are either removed or set to PRIVATE.
2. Don’t send extra photos even if a guy begs you for them. The photos you have on your dating profile is enough. (I advise you have 3 at any one time, 1 professionally taken profile, 1 professionally taken full body and 1 selfie). These 3 photos (or 6 if you are using Hinge) are it! Many guys are photo collectors, they just enjoy having lots of photos of beautiful women to ‘self-soothe’ . Largely they are time-wasters who have no intention of asking you on a real date.
If he wants to see you under different lighting or at different angles, then he can take you on a date!3. Don’t send nudes. I know this is obvious but it still happens and it is still going to happen… even if you trust the guy 100%, even if he’s your husband, once something is out into the ether, it can be hacked. Snapchat isn’t safe, despite what you’ve heard about not being able to screenshot or photos only lasting a number of seconds. None of these apps are safe for nudes, absolutely none of them. Tech bots can hack anything. Everyone could see your most intimate moments if it got dumped onto the deep web. I know in England a guy releasing a nude of you is considered ‘revenge porn’ and is a criminal offence with the guy facing up to 2 years in prison. However, him being convicted and doing time won’t change the fact that everyone has seen you naked. Just don’t do it. A guy who really loves you won’t ask you to compromise yourself in this way, he will respect your wishes. Please be strong and be firm here.
4. Remember online dating cuts out so much of the natural chemistry and attraction you would get from meeting someone in real life. People have more compassion for others in real life. When you’re behind a screen suddenly everyone starts trolling each other. I’m exaggerating, but think of the conversations we see on Twitter and Facebook that just wouldn’t play out in real life between people. When people are sat face to face over a coffee, they have a completely different persona online. The anger, the vitriol, the rudeness! So it is with online dating. Your best bet is to meet these guys as soon as you can (no chat marathons), don’t spend too long on dating sites every week (I recommend a maximum of 90 minutes in 3 x 30 minute sessions) and take a total break from all dating apps for 30 days once or twice a year. It is important not to spend too long checking messages and to take breaks from dating apps so you don’t find yourself getting sucked into the black hole of online nonsense. It is so much easier to give grace to clueless guys, to just delete and block vulgarity without it upsetting you if you aren’t dealing with it for too long or too often. This point is vital but often gets overlooked. You need to take breaks!
Start The Clock!
It is so important you don’t spend too long on dating apps.
Counter-intuitive, right? Surely it would make more sense to spend more time on dating apps… you’re more likely to match with more people and get more dates?
Actually, no.
You’ll just end up wasting time and getting sucked into arguments, witnessing rudeness and negativity. You’ll find your own patience drying up as well. It puts you in a bad mood and makes you feel angry, irritated and cynical about love.
90 minutes per week is the sweet spot - and this frees up your time to go and ramp up your dating activity in the real world, going out and doing things! If a guy is going to ask you out, he’s got 3 opportunities every single week to chat to you. It is more than enough time for someone with serious intentions of actually meeting you.
If you find it difficult to pull away then I recommend a piece of software called Freedom – an app that allows you to block any site of your choice on your own schedule. You can even set it so it cannot be overridden. I first learned about Freedom in Cal Newport’s book Digital Minimalism, a book I read to help me combat my social media addiction. You set which sites are a problem for you (a bit too addictive and hard to pull yourself away from) then you set yourself a time slot for when you can visit the site. For me, Facebook has always been something I get sucked into and I lose hours and hours of my life to scrolling the site, reading and making comments to strangers.
Considering I both run a business that utilises Facebook and I have many friends across the world from Facebook, I don’t want to quit the site entirely. However I recognise when I have spent too long there, I feel irritable from the amount of anger I’ve witnessed reading online conversations, not to mention ashamed from the amount of time I’ve wasted. Believe me when I tell you, it is an even worse experience spending too long on dating apps, much more damaging to you than regular social media. Guys can be so cruel to people they haven’t met behind a screen. Overstay on dating apps and you’ll get pulled in to the negativity, the arguments and the rudeness that resides there. It puts you in a bad mood, ruins your day and can make you cynical about love.
It is much easier to grow a thick skin if you’re only on dating sites for an hour and a half a week. With Freedom you could block all the dating sites but set yourself 19.30-20.00hrs to check them on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays for example. You can download Freedom here.
If you’d like to discuss any aspect of levelling up or feminine energy with me then please schedule an appointment, subscribe to my newsletter and check out my book Feminine Energy 101.