Feminine Communication
Can I get a man to Step Up?
I often see questions ‘How can I get a man to step up?’ and ‘How can I improve the quality of date requests I’m getting?’ not to mention ‘How can I decline this low ball offer politely?’
Often the replies go along the lines of you can’t change a man, if he was going to step up he would have already, move on’. To a certain extent this is accurate, certainly if the guy is a dirtbag, if he’s sending you anything rude, sexual or vulgar then there’s no coming back from that. He’s an instant delete and block. However I want to caveat this with some nuance. The low ball offers, the coffee date requests, the suggestions to go for a stroll in the park or the home date requests. These requests won’t always be from dodgy guys. They won’t always have sexual undertones. There are opportunities that you, if skilled in the art of feminine communication, will be able to turn around.
There are two key things you need to remember when communicating a la femme. The first is to exude warmth and sweetness, even if what you’re being offered is ridiculous. Your first reaction may be one of disbelief and horror, you’ve worked so hard. You’ve lost weight, you’ve glammed up, you’ve styled your hair, you’ve had professional photos taken for your dating profile. You portray elegance and class, you look expensive, like somebody that really cares for themselves and all you’re getting are ‘walk in the park’ offers.
The Path of Least Resistance
The guy offering you this may be a bit clueless, but provided he hasn’t said anything rude, sexual or vulgar it is too early to categorise him as a dusty or a dead beat time waster. The second thing you must remember is that guys follow ‘the path of least resistance’ and keep in mind the majority of women out there on dating apps are not attempting to date in a feminine way. If other women have said yes to a walk date, then he hasn’t needed to go up to offer a drink date. If other women have said yes to a drink date then he hasn’t needed to go up to offer a meal date. Regardless of the stereotypes, there are some very attractive third and fourth wave feminists. At this point you are just a photograph on an app! The guy has no idea on the spectrum where you lie- some women do get offended if the guy is too forward with suggesting a date. Some misogynists dress up their controlling ways, saying they were “trying” to be chivalrous but got it wrong. Decent, respectful guys don’t want any part of that.
Remember all of this when you get these messages from men. Low quality date request offers don’t say anything about you, your appearance or how you’ve chosen to portray yourself to the world. While I advise you don’t have any swimwear or underwear photos visible anywhere on the internet, be mindful that guys sending muck to women don’t need an excuse to do it, they send it to anyone regardless. Delete, block, move on.
Now you know low quality offers are not intended to insult you, I hope it will be easier to stay in feminine energy and give these guys grace. You do it via being sweet and warm. As my coach, coach Maggie, back in the day used to say, “Warm with words, Cool with actions”.
Warm with Words, Cool with Actions
Getting offended and angry with the guy at his low quality offers won’t turn the situation around. He’ll get angry back and then you might have a heated exchange, one of you will block the other after a few aggressive words. You’ll often have seen screenshots of such interactions floating around the internet. All the women in the forum agreeing that the guy is a basic dusty, the state of men on the internet these days, how rare gentlemen are and so on. I always sigh when I see such things as it is such a lost opportunity. In the majority of cases, with feminine communication these interactions could be turned completely around.
So, what do you do?
Be kind, be sweet, be gracious. You can often do this by saying that the idea ‘sounds wonderful’ ‘sounds great’ ‘would be fun’ but you just can’t. That’s it. Emojis are your friend. They are silly, child like and fun in an innocent, playful way. Then silence. No rudeness from you, just throw the ball back to his court and see what he does with it.
Dialogue 1
Gentleman: “Would you like to go for a walk sometime?”
Lady: “My mummy told me never to go for walks with strangers! ;)”
Don’t put in excuses why you can’t do something that are facts. If you were to say the walk sounds wonderful but you don’t have hiking boots, well then suddenly he’ll be telling you that you could do the walk in trainers (British word for sneakers), that you could do an easier trail, that he’s got special hiking socks you can borrow, on and on. If something is factual then he can come up with counter arguments.
The way to steer things to your liking, is to state opinions, preferences or feelings and use humour. No one can argue with you how you feel about something. Saying you don’t feel safe (in a jokey way) about going for a hike with a stranger, he can’t argue with that. He will even respect your self-protection. The winky smiley emoji at the end offers an invitation to the guy to come up with something else, another date suggestion. You show to him that you don’t dislike him, you just don’t care for this suggestion. Compare this warmth and inviting response to the cool replies I’ve seen advised:
Dialogue 2
Gentleman: “Would you like to go for a walk sometime?”
Lady: “No. I don’t do walks”
Or even just
Lady: “No.”
Yee-ouch! Pretty cold, right? Comes across as rude? It certainly does to me. It’s very unlikely that a decent, respectful guy is going to come back to this cold lady with a better offer. He will probably assume she isn’t interested in him at all and move on. Think very carefully, the only guys who keep persisting in spite of such coldness are usually narcissists. Decent guys need some signal that their advances are welcome. Otherwise it’s harassment and what respectful guy wants to get mixed up in that.
Now I know there are women out there preaching that guys should know not to offer such low quality date offerings to such elegant women. They should look at your professional photos and see how classy you look, that you’re worthy of expensive dinner dates. That type of thinking really isn’t fair to guys in this gender-fluid world, especially if this is a first meeting from a dating app.
All you have to do is learn the art of feminine communication and you’ll be steering guys to dates of your choice and quality level. You really do have a lot of power here to change things to your liking, but I see this art of feminine communication is something so many ladies really struggle with.
For more, my book ‘Feminine Energy 101’ has chapters full of example dialogues in this method of communication.
My book is full of example dialogues teaching the art of feminine communication.
If you’d like to discuss any aspect of levelling up or feminine energy with me then please schedule an appointment and subscribe to my newsletter.
With love & light,
Kate
p.s. I know this is controversial but since people ask me for my thoughts frequently I will put them here.
Coffee Dates: If you are meeting a guy from the internet I advise you accept coffee dates as a first date. Go for meal dates second time. I don’t advise you accept a coffee date request if the man has met you in real life already.
Drink (Alcohol) Dates: I also advise you don’t drink any alcohol at all on first dates. Bar dates are fine, you can have a mocktail or any soft drink. If you wish to, drink on the second date but be cautious.