The Power of the Pull Back
In many unhappy relationships one partner is attempting to get the other to change by nagging, by cajoling, persuading etc.. Sometimes this does work. The other party will do what they’re told, sometimes reluctantly, and all appears well on the surface. It’s a lot of hard work though both for the nagger and the one being nagged!
In dating the pull back is the most powerful tool you have. You have to be brave to use it. You have to love yourself more than you love the relationship you’re currently in. Sometimes, if you’ve been in an unsatisfactory situation for years this can take nerves of steel.
Because you have to be willing to walk away.
You have to have enough self-worth to value yourself more than you value the relationship.
You have to have courage to face the possibility you might be single for a time.
You have to have the self-belief that if this relationship doesn’t work out, something better is coming for you.
The Pull Back
When dating, the pull back is the most powerful tool you have.
Think of all your friends outside of the Level Up & Feminine Energy (LUFE) community. Those who are in relationships, are they partnerships and unions you admire? Wives and husbands working together with teamwork? Husbands doting on their wives, giving them random gifts, knowing their preferences, making their life easier and smoother?
I imagine you do know some people in relationships like that. Some just get lucky in love and find someone they are compatible with, without any strategizing at all. They never needed to work at it so they can’t comprehend anyone putting ‘effort’ into dating. They might even tell you that you don’t need to be reading blogs like this one or any self-help books. With respect, they aren’t on the same journey as you. They are most likely the minority in your friendship circle as well.
The majority of people under 40* are not in satisfying and fulfilling relationships, certainly not ones that endure long term. In the UK the divorce rate is at a staggering 67%* for couples who get married before they turn 30. Some people have to deal with one of the 3 As (addiction, adultery or abuse) but for many, the issues that eventually lead to a divorce or break-up aren’t that serious. At least not initially.
You see, many women get into relationships for all sorts of reasons, boredom, something to do, being flattered, enjoying the attention, even wanting some free dinners! None of these are truly terrible reasons to accept a date. Indeed in many cases the man can charm the woman into developing feelings for him, she might decide he isn’t so very bad after all.
Deal Breakers
The trouble starts when a woman stays in a relationship after learning the man has deal-breakers that she can’t accept. Especially if they have sex and / or move in together. Sex is such a powerful act that I’ve written a book about it, available for free here.
The woman isn’t happy because this is a guy she never really wanted in the first place, because he has all sorts of things she can’t live with. Whatever your deal-breakers are is personal to you. What one woman finds cute another will be tearing her hair out. She’ll be saying to you as her friend ‘If only he did X’ or ‘If only he started doing Y’ “If he never did Z’ she’ll nag him and nag him. She’ll force him to change. And it will probably work, for a while. He’ll conform to keep her of his back. It isn’t done out of love or consideration for her feelings. He might be keeping one eye open for any other ladies. He might join a dating app just to ‘browse’ and ‘self-soothe’ (I’m explaining but not justifying this behaviour)
Keep Nagging?
The man will probably do what you ask him to, however begrudgingly. It will be a lot of hard work for you (and him)
He’ll start to associate you with negative emotions and might keep one eye open for something else.
Men often join dating apps to ‘self-soothe’
I’m not justifying their behaviour. I’m suggesting couples in this situation perhaps shouldn’t be together in the first place and later in this blog I give help on how to navigate out.
How this usually plays out is that they’ll have a couple of kids together and be too busy with child rearing until the youngest child is attending nursery. They are most likely to split now or when the children have become teenagers and can “look after themselves”. This split is devastating for the children involved. Behavioural issues are common in children after parental divorce. It never needed to happen. The couple were never right for each other from the very beginning.
Feminine Energy Knowledge
If the woman was educated about feminine energy dating and had the confidence an alternate scenario would have played out. She could have gone on a few dates and then decided he was not for her. No big deal at this point. No joint finances, no mortgage, no children, no cohabitation. Just a few dates. She has enough self-esteem to know that her Mr Right is out there for her. She has enough grace to wish this guy well.
What about if the woman learns about feminine energy dating after being in a long term relationship that she’s not satisfied with? She’s stayed for so long because that is what everybody around her is doing. That is what she assumed is the right thing to do. You don’t quit on people, you stick with them! She doesn’t want to be seen as fickle or capricious! What about her boyfriend’s mum and dad? What will they think? Then this is where the lady needs nerves of steel. She has to learn to love herself more than the relationship. This is the power of the pull back.
Bravery, Courage
It takes extreme bravery and courage to go against the norm. When everyone around you thinks your boyfriend is good enough. When everyone else is coupled up and you’re risking single-dom.
Think long term. Unhappy relationships with deal-breakers that you cannot accept do not improve unless the deal-breakers change. If you cannot accept, then don’t ‘tolerate’. You’re setting yourself up for a life of misery.
Do you have the confidence, self-esteem and self-worth to walk away?
Ultimatum
Many relationship gurus talk about the ultimatum as though the only issue that a woman could ever have with a man is that he hasn’t proposed yet. I want to go deeper. The power of the pull back will work for anything, even if you’re already married but your husband isn’t doing what you need him to. Do you need him to be kinder, to clean up more often, to not leave his coat in the doorway? To remember to buy cat treats, to stop over-spending, to spend less time on video-games? Then you could nag. You could stay in an unsatisfactory relationship for years, with your bf keeping one eye open for someone else and you eventually throwing the towel in.
Dignified, Courageous Path
Or you choose a different path. A different, dignified, courageous path. You pull back. You move out if you live together. You stop answering calls or texts until you have what you want from him.
It isn’t a path for the faint-hearted. There is a risk that the man never really wanted you and you were his ‘boredom, companionship, easy sex’ option. That he won’t step up. You may split up. It will be painful. Yet, you free the way for the right man to find you. You free yourself up so that the one that is meant for you will be with you.
NB: Don’t forget staying in an unsatisfactory relationship is risky too, just the risk feels less immediate. You risk heartbreak much further down the line.
Are you in a situationship that you’ve been dissatisfied with for years? I can help you.
If you’d like to discuss any aspect of levelling up or feminine energy with me then please schedule an appointment, subscribe to my newsletter and check out my book, Feminine Energy 101.
With love & light,
Kate
*https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/divorce